Stephen Graham spills half of Madrí over Sharon Maughan in The Windmill pub and invites her back to his three-bed mid-block next to St Peter & Paul’s Church to change. On the way out, they have a little neck before she dives into an Uber and out of his life.
Obviously, there was a spark as she invited him to a Herbalife seminar she was hosting at The Suites Hotel the next day, but he was mistaken for a weight loss success story and spent the afternoon shaking and faking.
Their date ruined, Stephen invites her to his sister Tricia Penrose’s garden BBQ later that night, where she meets his close friends John Conteh, Margi Clarke and Tony Maudsley.
They all get on the Glens Vodka, have a couple of bashed lines and throw £50 worth of burgers, chicken and ribs from Neil’s Quality Meat in Kirkby Market on the disposable BBQ. They have a boss time, and Stephen and Sharon club neck again in the park by the old Commo.
In The Market Tavern the next day, Stephen overhears six men discussing Sharon. They start ok, then call her a massive sl*g. Sharon confronts them and threatens to “scrag the f*cking faces off them” if they even look at her again “the cheeky f*cking c*nts”.
Sharon invites Stephen back to her room in The Holiday Inn Express, but when they arrive, her fella is there, so he gets on his toes and goes to The Kraft Chippy for Egg Fried Rice and a chop suey roll chaser.
That’s her back with her ex, so his mates set up a Tinder account for him but he keeps being lined up with sweats who only want him for his hybrid BMW that is on finance.
Then, one day, Sharon knocks on Stephen’s door, sobbing her face off. He invites her in and gets her a Noodle Box from Wok This Way in Moorfield Shops to cheer her up.
The following day, The Echo turns up and doorstep Sharon, Stephen and his housemate Andrew Schofield, who comes bouncing out in his grey ballys. Sharon is raging and gets off - there is no necking this time.
Months later, Stephen hears Sharon is filming a remake of Blonde Fist in Westvale and goes down for a mooch. She asks him to wait in the Fantail pub, and she’ll meet him for a cider and black after she is finished. While playing the fruity, he overhears her calling him a “massive wet wipe”, so he gets on his toes and consoles himself with a Salt & Pepper Box from Food For Thought.
She turns up the next day with a present for him - the original picture of that bird scratching her a*se playing tennis that you could buy from Athena. Stephen tells her he heard her wet wipe comment; she said she was chatting wham because her mate is a megamouth, and it would be all around Slimming World quicker than nits in an infant school.
She then proclaims her love for him, saying, "She is just a bird, standing in front of a fella, asking him for a cheeky finger”. He replies, “Nah, love, I’ll swerve it; the minute my back is turned, you’ll be climbing your ex like a tree”.
Stephen meets all his friends in The Carters Arms for some Tequila Rose shots and tells them what he said. Scully calls him a “f*cking helmet”, and they race to the Travelodge by the Showcase just as Sharon is giving a press conference where her publicist confirms she is doing one at the end of the month to go on the cruise ships for a year.
A reporter from The Echo asks her about when they got a picture of her on the doorstep, her hair tied back with a sock, last night's makeup on, wearing a pair of Alder Hey PJs from Matalan. She said she was dossing down at a mate's as her head was kettled.
Stephen then pretends to be a journalist and asks if her mate asks for her forgiveness for being a “f*cking helmet” and promises her a banquet from Tony Wongs could they be f*ck buddies? She confirms she is well up for it.
Her publicist asks the Echo reporter to ask his question again. Sharon says the Disney Cruise can wait, now she has made up with Stephen, she wants it in-definitely!
Stephen and Sharon get married in St Chads and Scully bags off with Tricia Penrose. Sharon gets up the duff, and Stephen reads her dirty limericks in the towny park.
China Crisis play the theme song about keeping your mouth shut.
Fin.
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